Happy 31st!

Happy New Year in advance! Gotta go play keyboard in church later, so I better type this in advance =)

I'm not gnna complain bout having to play for mass on NEW YEARS EVE and New Years Day, cuz I did volunteer to do it... by being in d choir. Anyway going to church is supposed to b a healthy, spiritual thing. But yea, learning to say no more often now. Like Nic said, mayb i needed to be needed~ Getting away fr this need now..



Went out for late lunch w sunshine @ Food Foundry. Food was awesome as usual, esp d vanilla crepe cake we had for dessert *takes a mo to bliss*
Conversation was as usual too, he was telling me drinking stories and all. Halfway thru he did mention that we (d 2 o us) are kinda like Yin and Yang.. Yep, we're that different.
Setting myself up for disappointment if I let myself hope for things, but hey, what's a crush for huh?
Now, more than anything, I think we'r better off as good friends.



Things were well after that couple o breakdowns before presentation/camp. Went for presentation, finished and submitted my portfolio, and then went for Love and Life 2011, just like that. I refuse to remember d feelings I went thru that day.
Will blog more bout camp when I've more time.



Time is a luxury nowadays. For my internship at an Ar firm in ss15, I've to go in for work every day Mon-Fri, 8.45am-5.45pm. Days are thus a repetition o work and sleep ("dropping dead on bed" is perhaps a better description).. Have little time and energy left for anything else.

- time for church. cont later, goodbye 2011 anyways~~





-back fr church, about to head to bed-

To wrap up 2011.. I think d thing I've been doing d most is to (try to) b brave and to think less.
Won't say I'm hugely successful most o d time, but at d very least I'm making a conscious effort to achieve them ;)


Goodbye, singles 20. I don't know what 2012 will bring, but I know I've grown and am a lil step closer to being d best me =D





Dears, thanks for being w me and supporting me throughout this year.
I've made mistakes, deliberately not do stuff, and been lazy and stubborn sometimes. I apologize for that, and will strive to do better. Bear w me a lil longer while I try to b perfect k~




Looking forward to 2012 now, which will be Insha Allah/Deo Volente... as God wills it. What will come, will come; what I can do is to make d most o it.. live it to d fullest =)





Now, to bed! And 8 hours o sleep wheeeeee~ Nitez all ^^

late night before final submission/day before LnL11'

... 1.30am

I think point 1 I'd like to get across is sometimes I'm not looking for solutions. In a break down kind o stage right now, and ppl're telling me to jiayou and suggested ideas to help me out.


To tell d truth I can think for myself pretty well and I'd not hesitate to ask for help if I need it.
All I want is some sympathy, a hug if I can get one, and a shoulder (virtual or otherwise) to cry on.
Cuz I really need to cry right now.




As always before final presentation, I tell myself that I've no time to emo and lose control.
But this time it's also d day before Love and Life 2011, in which I'll b a faci. I can't afford to hold it in now.. cuz there's NO WAY I'm gnna break down DURING camp.




10

15

30 mins?

That's all d time I can afford. Go and let yourself go, sarah, but b back in half an hour.

 

 

 

 

... 5.50am

Listening to Colbie Caillat I Do (as well as a whole playlist o country music @@) while working. Had my cry, had a nap on d living room sofa. Long story, bro kept virgil till I'm really really awake and working <3

4 more hours before Nic is supposed to pick up my files for printing. I think I can finish by then. Not so sure about him getting my printing done for me. Does seem like asking alot, esp if he's coming especially to collect them.

Nvm. Will do my thinking at camp, if I've time. Now is for working.

I think it's only fair

... that I note down some major events.

I'm 20!! TWENTY. No more panic attacks like I did when my friends celebrated their 20th, but I still got that sinking feeling.. a lil.
When my bday came round, somehow it felt like d end (conclusion) o my 20th instead o d beginning. Must b d end o d year...

单身二十(Singles twentieth). Mmmn-hmmn. That's very apt.


27th
Went out w my uni friends, for lunch/high tea, at Victoria Station Subang.
Food was so-so, company was fine =)

Went back to my aunt's for dinner, drove back to Kajang all by myself! Dad dozing in d backseat.
Had fried meehoon + curry, fish balls, etc. Best part was d cake I think. Secret Recipe Pecan White Chocolate something. Awesome cake <3

and Auntie bought an extra slice o durian cake just for me~~

Most o my relatives were there, including cousins Will + Pris and their son my lil nephew Eli, back fr Singapore.

D scene was a lil like my 18th, which was d day before Will and Pris's wedding..

Dad was speeding home when he went over a huge crate on d road. D guys (dad and bro) were in shock (bro: "I think I need to lie down") while d girls (sis and I) were laughing like mad.

Probably jinxed it w our laughing cuz we burst one tyre and d spare tyre wouldn't pump up. Called cousin fr Cheras for help and finally got home at 1am.

Last min bday surprise methinks. Learnt how to change a tyre though. Good experience.

28th

Bummed around at home till 4pm, when I went for LnL meeting at ASAYO.

It was Virginia's bday and after they sang d bday song for her, Edmund went "it's Sarah's bday ytd!" and they sang d song(s) for me too.

It was really sweet o them and very very nice to b loved^^. But I could just feel that blush creeping up... argh why Chinese ppl blush so easily laa =(

Later, had to cut short a Logistics meeting cuz someone was waiting in d car downstairs.

Hehe. Went on a dinner date w my sunshine at Pavilion.

Food was great, conversations went well, enjoyed myself.

Present fr Nic: Noah d Rottweiler guard dog. (ref fb for d pic)

It's another one o d things we were talking about in our conversations. I'm touched that he remembered and acted accordingly.

Muddies didn't say anything about me going out w a boy. Neither did bro and sis surprisingly.

In all honesty it was just a date (appointment?), so it's no big deal.

Dug thru my previous posts to find d day I extracted d promise that he'll take me out.. it was way back in September.

That proves one thing.. Don't think too much about what guys say, even d nice ones.

They say it, mean it, will do it... eventually. Lol.

Yep, enough w d floaty happy daze. Thanks everyone for my happy 20th <3

Time to get back to work. Doing what you love is definitely worth it.

It's 3 days later..

... and still that darn mood. Sitting alone at the V (a nice vegetarian cafe tucked away in d corner of the Lakeside Boardwalk) enjoying my treat-to-sarah-for-today, ie a cup o hot lemon tea.

The day after my cold, I developed the whole package o fever, sore throat, muscle aches, etc, and didn't get out o bed for the whole Sat.

Sun I drove to church, parked nicely and didn't mess up my accompaniment for d choir during mass (yay!).

But my whole weekend was messed up by that silly virus and work got delayed, which in turn, made me super frustrated today cuz I really wanted to submit my work and head home but couldn't cuz I've not had it done. And when I finally gave up on d last piece o work, it started raining real heavily and I couldn't get to d bus stop =.=...

Anyway.

I have one more submission to complete tonight, and then I'm FREE to do whatever I want, w/o going completely archi-free crazy, o cuz.

But to think that I can complete my studio presentation boards whenever I want, w all d research, 3D renders, re-renders, layout, re-layouts, printing, adjusting, all w/o other distractions! *sighs in contentment*

And also to sketch, draw, read archi/ID magazines, read ArchDaily daily, and finally get round to researching deconstructions!

Get used to this archi life, I can ;p

Seriously, me, an Ar.? Hmm....

random

The best thing about being friends is that you do not need to explain yourself.

I truly believe that the people you need to explain to is not worth your explaining.

Feeling not a lil miserable... DETEST the feeling o not being able to sneeze when I've got a cold.

It just won't come!! GAHHH.

Mom graciously offered to lend me her car to come to school today. Awesome that I don't have to take the bus but driving with a cold is no small business. Especially when it's raining cats and frogs out there. Oh well at least I'm not stuck on the bus. Stop complaining, sarah.

I know, I'm talking to myself again.

It's just that kind o day =(

It's supposed to b a secret...

... but I'll tell you anyway.

Not meant to compliment anyone, but if and when I get a bf, I hope we have d same 默契 as I have w my bro.

Lol bet you didn't see that coming!

No, seriously, cuz my bro and I grew up watching movies, reading books, keeping secrets fr mom and going places together, we have our own set o reference points for lame jokes, comparisons, etc.

When I think about it, I realized that we can talk endlessly (KL to Terrenganu) and he's like my (not-very-reliable-but-still-can-use-la) support when I need help w things (anything but chores).

And since he already knows I'm a bum, I don't have to "un-bum-ify" myself to fit in. Hehe.

In a way it's a lil sad that prospective bfs will hav to compete w their bro-in-law, but it's d truth what! Hahahaha~

Yea tht's about it =p.. my lil secret o d day.

STOP THINKING

Things are simple okay.

For once I get d meaning o 顺其自然.

He sent me home, I enjoyed our chat and I look forward to seeing him again. Period.

*Praying for spiritual guidance cuz I'm not going to think for myself*

ps Taking back what I said about him not being interested XD

Xmas/Bday wish list

... and I'm gnna make this sticky. Lol just kidding.

Have some items that I need but then I thought why let my cousins/aunties/friends worry their head (and they feet) off finding presents for me? Might as well give them a lil push.

Sarah wants/needs:

1. Stabilo point 88 fine pens (as many as affordable)- fr Aunt Cath (Xmas 2011)

2. Sharpies!! - a new favourite o mine (again, as many as affordable)- somehow managed to accumulate quite a number

3. Old Town White Coffee w Hazelnut 3-in-1 - mom bought.. 2-in-1s but acceptable

4. SHE SHERO album? (I've got all d songs so this is just a distant wish)

5. Washable paints- for decorating my room

6. ALOT o nice shorts- bought some for myself

7. Underwear- aunt Annie gave me some (updated 2/2/12)

8. Laptop cover (yknw, d soft bag w zip thing you put laptops in?)- fr Pak Niong (Xmas 2011)

9. Wireless mouse for lappie (or mayb I should go pick this out myself.. Don't wnna get cramps in my hand fr working w an over/undersized mouse) - dad gave me his =)

10. 48 colour Faber Castell watercolour pencils- fr Grandma (Xmas 2011)

11. Some new window drapes/curtains? I don't particularly like mine w d pale flowers...

12. An expense paid trip for my Panda to go to d laundry (according to mom it's RM20 so she refused to pay up)- mom washed him (updated 2/2/12)

.... and many more.

Wanted a new water bottle too, been using my plastic one for 2/3 Xmases now. But then dad bought me one fr d reject bin ytd! D colour's a lil... -so so-... but it holds water, fits in my bag and I'm happy =)

Goodness. I didn't know I wanted so many things.

But if I need it, say so, right? Happy shopping!

I am reminded...

... o what Yying used to say: Everytime she's almost given up hope, something happens to shake her resolve.

I stayed late for a public lecture and Nic offered me a ride home.

I knew that if I refused, I'd either have to

1) ask Leysoon to wait for RapidKL w me at the bus stop, or

2) call the muddies, because

I was w Enoch and Tham2, who are overprotective in that way.

Sometimes I wonder if my mind runs on different channels, or mayb I just have some silly ego. I don't like asking for rides, unless it's obviously on the way/I'm that close w them, even if I know some ppl don't mind. It's a different story if someone offers. Not like, being offered on behalf o someone (ie "ask XX, he'll send you back"), but very simply, "I can send you back if you want?".

It's not something most ppl offer, therefore I try to depend largely on myself.

But what happened was, Nic sent me home thru the jam, and knowing full well that his house is in another direction. And best o all, he offered.

***********

"Bad Day"

Where is the moment we needed the most

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

They tell me your blue skies fade to grey

They tell me your passion's gone away

And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low

You're faking a smile with the coffee to go

You tell me your life's been way off line

You're falling to pieces everytime

And I don't need no carryin' on

(Chorus)

Cause you had a bad day

You're taking one down

You sing a sad song just to turn it around

You say you don't know

You tell me don't lie

You work at a smile and you go for a ride

You had a bad day

The camera don't lie

You're coming back down and you really don't mind

You had a bad day

You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday

The point is they laugh at what you say

And I don't need no carryin' on

Chorus

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink

And the whole thing turns out wrong

You might not make it back and you know

That you could be well oh that strong

And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most

Oh you and I

You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Chorus

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Had a bad day

Hit an all time low on bad days yesterday (day after public lecture). Won't go into details but my day went along the lines o "overcast gloomy day". And bad, really bad, cramps.

All I could do was to remind myself, if I could get thru this day, I'm awesome.

...... I'm awesome.

enlightenment

... I had that Milo McFlurry last night. Mom drove sis and I out to the drive thru to get it. Got one for bro and a sundae cone for dad. Had to hold it to the AC to prevent it from melting on the way home.

So about my enlightenment... It's about my-lil-ray-o-sunshine. Was thinking that day about how I'm NOT thinking about him... not that much anyhow. And I kinda got outta the habit o looking for him on cyberspace.

He IS a good friend... a lil like Vince, another o my classmates. We say Hi/Bye/chat about work some in class, chat a lil online, but that's all. No lingering attachments whatsoever.

I think it's time I stop kidding myself anything could happen. He's not interested (I could just tell) and (as I've been constantly saying) I'm not in love w him. So what w this crush thing?

The best case scenario was that we had more cross-cliche interactions, but I don't think that'd happen anytime soon.. Cliches just don't mix, yknw? We even sit on opposite sides of the 200-seater lecture theatre.

Smile and be brave that a crush has failed dear~

^^

congrats!

Noone has actually made an annoucement yet. Not even rumours were going around. I just had a feeling and got it confirmed by the Man himself.

Congratz dears~ That's the best I could manage becuz I've no idea what I'm supposed to say otherwise. This is not, I feel, a typical romance. You'r just "that close" huh? (Only a man can dream o trying to deny things to a girl by using that line. So lame.)

Hung out w my LnL team most o yesterday, had the usual meeting, then went for Greg's Youth gathering to help w their Taize prayer. And went for dinner/supper o Bak Kut Teh/Mutton Kut Teh (I'm serious! Lol it was yummy=p).

Boy/girl what-nots did not matter w them. You were you, she was her, he was him and I was me, w all our lil quirks. It was that simple. When together, life fades away and we let our problems lie. Except when we had our talk, then it's alright to talk about them. One reason I don't talk much w them is that there is no need, yknw?

My lil ray o sunshine has declined the invitation to LnL 2011 ='( Can't say I'm not disappointed, not becuz he's my friend but more like, I'd personally invite everyone who could go... What I've gained from camp, I want everyone to experience.. esp as we're not allowed to talk about it =p. Someone once said that what happened at LnL camps are the best kept secrets in the Catholic Church. Jk, o cuz, but yea.

I was so upset w mom these few days. Whether or not I was in the wrong she gets on my case and yknw I hate being misunderstood.

I guess I had to be nice about it cuz she' my MOM but purleez, I need respect too. My age is not only something to be thrown at me when my room is messy! Geeesh.

Before leaving the house yesterday, she got on my nerves again by daring to suggest I "better not teach/help out in sunday school next year, cuz I'm all tired out". WHO, may I ask, buries me in work and stresses me out all the time??

So at Taize I was going on about this to my Friend-from-Beyond, He asked me if I realized that my situation was similar to His? Hmm... I've never thought o it! But yea, it does make sense and I'm glad Someone understands =)

Feel like going to a shopping mall/for a Milo McFlurry/eating a Secret Recipe cake. Wonder where that craving comes from =D

the sun has gone in

Had no contact w him for a few days now, and no, I will NOT initiate contact. When the sun goes behind the clouds, I will switch on my LED lights =)

I love Saturday mornings when I have LnL faci meetings. Whatever happened during the week stays away fr that small room within St John's compound. And I am always guaranteed some smiles if not outright LOLs.

Gosh, I do love those ppl.

And I love spending time w Him-who-resides-above too! Learnt a bit about His Holy Mother and the Rosary this morn.

Will be cultivating the habit o praying the Rosary every day =)

Something Greg shared about being a faci that I agreed.. We shouldn't need something to show the world that we are ex-LnL-ers.. It WILL show through our words and actions.... supposed to anyway! I will try, very very hard, to do what he said.. to be an example for the new participants, as well as the whole world, in thoughts, words and actions.

因相爱别人认出我们是基督徒~

Oh yea! Nearly forgot to take note o interim on Thurs.

I fell asleep before finishing my work the day before but luckily my session was in the afternoon so I had time in the morn.. turns out I was about half an hour late due to printing.. for studio presentations it's considered good enough><.

Usama (my Egyptian lecturer) crit-ed me and it went okay, probably cuz my design based on a garden concept and he's my Landscape Architecture (elective) tutor... Hehe. He didn't notice the lack o toilets in my facility, nor did he ask about loading bays and trucks, which were my biggest worries, as I don't have an answer ready.

Yes, I seriously forgot about toilets till it was too late! Lol it was just a lil hard to put them in and I kept putting it off... in the end I just thought, I'll employ all guys and let them go wild in my garden... XP

Passing over toilets.. he made some suggestions that were really quite sensible, and he liked my concept and the way I executed it. And he said my 3D renderings looked good too! *Happy*

That, and the crit not saying my visual presentation sucks, were firsts for me. Wheeeee~

I love studio now. Haha even before the presentation! For once I really liked my design so it was fun working on it ^^

Some pics o my facility:

listening to SNSD!

... becuz I'm so tired from staying up till 4am to work on studio this morn XP

Gee gee gee gee baby baby

Gee gee gee gee baby baby

Have got studio interim on thurs. Have yet to finish up my plans!! Not to mention sections, elevations and 3D sketches/model.

*bangs head on table*

Sshhh... but I

... morning-called my sunshine this morn;

.... and he IM/sms-ed me first. I'm allowed to reply, yea?

I remember telling someone/someone telling me/saw this on fb:

收到他的短讯，笑笑，然后删除。

-- exactly what I'm doing now.

a lil o sensitivity

... apparently that's what 感性 is translated as. via google translate.

Just saw this on facebook and thought to note it down:

Walk with simplicity in the ways of the Lord and do not torment your spirit. You must hate your faults, but with a quiet hate, not troublesome or restless. We must be patient with them and gain from them through holy humility. Without that patience, instead of diminishing, your imperfections will increase constantly, as there that nourishes our defects like restlessness, and the haste to drive them away. -St. Padre Pio

and also to link this song.

Hillsong- At the Cross

... even when i fail you, I know You love me.

Lost dad's PDA a few days ago. Remembered taking it out o my bag in the library, then couldn't find it when I went home. Took me a few days to stop praying every single minute o my waking moments to have a miracle happen and someone returns it to me.

It's like losing my watch(es) all over again. A treasured item lost in a moment o absent-mindedness. The feeling o dread o having to admit the lost to the ppl who gave it to me w love.

I hate losing my things, esp those that are gifts from my loved ones.

Oh God, pls help me in this journey o improving my short term memory.

Read some o my older posts on this blog. Was actually surprised that it's only a year old! Thought I've been blogging here for ages.

Things are fine. I'm fine and my work is alright. Family and friends safe. What more can I ask for?

Saw this post in which I thanked God for everyone around me. I've not been offering enough thanks to You, but I was just not in the mood for thanksgiving after the loss o my stuff, yknow?

But I can sincerely say this:

Thanks

for my lil ray o sunshine. He's not mine, but thanks for having him bring some smiles to my life;

for my family w whom I had a great dinner w just last night;

for my besties and friends, for being there;

for the perseverance in finishing my work in time for submission just now.

I'll try to submit more to Your will... I surrender all, ya?

I need a hug.

But in the meantime, I will continue to be strong.... or at least try to.

I can give myself hugs, so there.

okayy......

..... let's not make it a habit.

It was around 7 (ie still bright enough outside) and I was already sitting at the bus stop when he texted to ask if I need a ride.

I didn't NEED a ride per se... I just wanted one. Having just confirmed the loss o a treasured item, I was secretly tearing at the bus stop. If left to my desolate thoughts I would've been thoroughly miserable by the time I got home.

Against my better judgement, I accepted the ride from him and again had my lil ray o sunshine chat w me through the jam.

同样的故事 不同的主角 不断的上演 我还在这里 乐此不疲地听着-- Yying

Same story, different leads. This is so true.

This story is achingly familiar. Just 18 months ago I was blogging bout the exact same scenario w the ex.

Just now, Yying told me to enjoy every moment before I fall. To which I replied that I'm gnna be a 不倒翁 (roly-poly/tumbler? via google translate), never to fall! ..... if only that was achievable.

I've been telling ppl left right centre that one o the most obvious impact o my time in LnL was breaking up w the ex. Not only the fact that (I feel) that he can't measure up to my fellow LnL-ers, but also because I didn't consult Papa-in-Heaven before getting into that relationship.

I'm not going to make the same mistake! Even if rumours start going around again (which they already did, 姐夫 gave me the 3rd degree yesterday), even if I can't help liking the guy... I'm gnna pay much attention to what He says.

Again, it's out o my control, but I enjoy his company.

Thank you, Papa, for this friend.

ps I'm glad that he "enjoyed my company in return for that long drive" << his words

*giggles*

.... downloading Adium (instant msging platform) cuz Microsoft Messenger:Mac keeps signing me off.

Guess who sent me home today?

It's.............. my very own lil ray o sunshine!

I didn't plan it. Was just soooo tired after studio + it was dark outside, couldn't think o who else to call.. My usual hangout buddies have long since gone home and Tham2, Enoch and friends are still in Bangkok.

Guess I could've called my muddies, but I didn't wnna bother them, esp as I've just lost my dad's PDA... but that's another story.

So anyway I begged a ride from him and he sent me home thru d LDP jam.

How nice o him =)

I liked talking w him. It's fun and it makes me happy, even when we're talking bout serious stuff like public transport/waiting time.

Even Huiwei (class buddy) has to ask "which guy"! Nonono, ppl whom I don't mention more than twice is not worth knowing about.

Well if you insist ><.

As o now, ppl you should know= Guy-who-asked-me-on-date and My-lil-ray-o-sunshine.

Keeping up?

ArchDaily articles

House on the Bluffs/Taylor Smyth Architects.
Taylor Smyth indeed O.O

When you'r an Ar.
(or even an Ars.)

Lego Architecture
I'll like one o these =p


Reading ArchDaily while doing studio research. Just some random articles I just read=)

random update

The 'date' was ok. We had coffee in the cafeteria and took turns to talk. I told him bout my classes and lecturers and he told me bout politics and art. We discussed architecture and film photos (our common interests). I was glad that it was just a cup o coffee instead o dinner (class cancelled); he texted later to say he enjoyed it.

......... I still don't think he's gnna be featured much.

I wonder if there's anything wrong w me other than a healthy period o procrastination/laziness.

I couldn't concentrate on work though I sit there w nothing to distract me. I've had cold hands and feet all week and been sleeping a lot more than normal. Like even when I'm sitting on my sofa watching sis's tv shows I'd fall asleep.

Anyway will (hopefully) be working as usual starting tmr! Work's been piling up like nobody's business >=(

Had a fight w the ex again just now. He's now on my msn block list... again. I rarely block ppl yknw.... other than him =.=

He just irritates me like no other. I don't wanna fight somemore, so I block him. Makes sense?

Well even if it doesn't make sense, I hope you'd accept that. I'm Miss Random, remember?

Have not had my dose o sunshine today... Oh well gtta learn to live w cloudy days.

nitez!

i got asked out

.... but not by the person I hoped would ask me out.

Instead, I had to tell the person-I-hoped-would-ask-me-out that I was asked out to dinner.

That's pretty sad..

Lol!

Anyway I don't think the person-who-asked-me-out will feature much in my writings. Not a close friend.. not even a friend much, mind you.

Senior fr my course, member o 2 o my only clubs. Categorized in Hi/Bye.

Chatted a bit on fb about work and he asked if I wanted to have lunch/dinner? It wasn't until I accepted that I realized he meant as in a date. It's tomorrow... We'll see. I'm not wasting more time thinking bout it.

*note to self: beware what you agree to when multi-tasking. you don't have as many brain cells to go arnd as you thought.

No, I'm not disclosing whom I hoped would ask me out! Other than saying he's been taking more initiative in seeking out conversations w me. Every day. *grins*

Not that I have any illusions about either o us committing to any relationships, but I think he'd be an awesome "date buddy" (*a person to go on dates w, not necessary in a bf capacity).

back to multi-tasking.

*bout half an hour later*

After meandering around some topics, I extracted a promise fr the person-I-hoped-would-ask-me-out....... *drumrolls*..... to ask me out!

Haha that sounds so weird. Then again our conversations usually are.

"When we're assignment-free", he says. No idea when that'd be though O.O

^^

sarah says: (2:30:40 AM)

加油噜

Nicholas says: (2:31:20 AM)

woman

Nicholas says: (2:31:33 AM)

u know u make me smile everytime you post something up and i have to ask you what you mean by it lol

I'm glad I could do something to make him smile, even if it's just once. It's really not fair that I'm always d one left laughing/giggling helplessly at d computer.

ps He's a PhiliChino btw, and guess what google translated 加油噜 as!

someone's watching over me

Lord Jesus, there is anger in my heart and I cannot root it out.

I know that I should calm down and offer the hurt and disappointment to You

but my emotion is running away with me.

Help me to overcome this weakness and give me peace of heart as well as mind.

Let me learn from this experience and grow into a better human being.

Amen.

-- Prayer in Time of Anger

Oww my throat hurts real bad. All fr screaming at a 10-yr-old.

Reason? Girl has no respect for her elder sister.

Way to go, Sarah, just perfect.

Someone's watching over me, Hilary Duff

Found myself today

Oh I found myself and ran away

Something pulled me back

The voice of reason I forgot I had

All I know is just you're here to say

What you always used to say

But it's written in the sky tonight

This song was playing on d lappy when I was saying d prayer above.

Lord Jesus, thank you for listening.

multi-tasking much

Yknw MacOS has a function tht let's you view all your windows at once (fr a distance la), and I just realized tht I have

Adobe Reader -- Design Studio reference

Safari -- Random things I just had to google before I forgot

Word -- Theories o Archi and Urbanism aka TAU research paper proposal

Finder (Mac version o windows explorer) -- Archi reads

I know, multi-tasking = 0% efficiency.

It's just hard to decide which one to do, the one I feel like doing? Or the one I need to do first?

Come come.

List 1 - Work to do:

1. TAU proposal @ 8am tmr

2. Studio site analysis @ 1pm tmr

3. Studio design concept @ 1pm tmr

List 2 - On to do list:

1. Start sketch journal

2. Start image folder

3. Read The Architectural Drawing Course by Thames & Hudson

4. Read books in folder named Archi Reads

5. Plan trip to KL for junior's bday

Now, it's not tht hard, izzit?

Your priorities are clear.

Now go do work you.

gives me shivers just thinking bout them =(

I admit this freely... I am dead scared o leeches! And ants. And I hate houseflies.

Donating blood/getting bitten is not my worst fear... I just can't stand d sight o these slimy wriggly crawly things.

Going on a site visit to a ex-rubber plantation w my class tmr. We've been warned that there'd b leeches around so I've been worrying my head off bout it. Instead o reading my readers for Theories o Archi and Urbanism, I've been researching on leech prevention ("how to get rid o them" do not interest me. I don't want to meet them AT ALL).

Will b taking measures such as (liberally) spraying/hosing myself down w insect repellent and dettol-baby oil mixture (which is highly recommended; ref 1 and ref 2). Undecided whether or not to go extreme and wear stockings too?

Anyway here's to hoping I won't meet leeches and in d event I do, that I won't scream my head off. Calm, sarah, calm.

fighting even on plurk

SHE五月天

听着这首歌的时候看到朋友在我的plurk上留言。

突然心里很难过，比刚才被放飞机开着车在LDP一直开到快离开PJ的地方时还难过。

<朋友>说：做事太鲁莽！

<sarah>说：me too! *high five

<朋友>说：什么都要跟我争！(annoyed expression)

几次了，我做什么都让他看不顺眼。我是真的刚好也做了冲动的事情。连同意都不能？

前几天成绩出来，我身在新加坡没向谁打听消息，不知道他真的当掉那科了。

其实我没炫耀，也没当众公开成绩。只是说对自己的成绩没有很满意，下学期要继续努力。

我很高兴达到自己的目标，这样也错了？

在Plurk上一年多了，不知道自己为什么留在那里。本来是一片只有朋友的天空，有他在让我再次小心翼翼。何苦呢？

当初“分手”时我说了什么？说先退一步做朋友，因为我们连朋友都不是。这句话他至今还是不懂。或许他注定与我无朋友缘。

我不想和他吵架！因为吵架10有89不能促进友情反而制造破裂！

开始后悔自己为什么当初和他走的那么近。听到吗？我后悔跟他“在一起”。不喜欢说“如果当初”“If only”的莹说后悔当初了！

没搞清楚状况，谈什么恋爱啊？感情没有友谊没有默契，是不可能的。谁不懂这个道理请去撞墙！

不经一事不长一智，so true。

Sarah is now sadder and wiser.

end o a day

5 things ppl regret at d end o d day.
A friend recommended I read this. I know what he's telling me, and I'll try my best to achieve it =)
And many thanks to him for being open w me. After all he's told me, I realize that it's no easy thing..


Stumbled upon this singer by accident, was actually listening to 你最近还好吗 (yea, was in that mood), and I totally fell for some o his songs!

Stevie Hoang

The way we used to be

Before you go

<3

love and relationships

wow, it's been 22 days since my last post. Time really flies when I'm working.
More on work later.
This post is more panda-talk-ish *grins*.


What is boy/girl love exactly?

Is it love, the times I spent w Panda?
We did not go on dates, or see each other a lot; instead we texted and called each other to talk about everything under the sun. I loved when he understands me even when I blubber over the most insignificant things and the random way I pick a song to describe my day.
Missing him is more o a constant ache than a sudden jolt.


Do I like>love him?!
A person whom I can pick out instantly in a crowd, and, apparently, finds me just as easily (don't ask me how I know =p). I don't need or want to see him nor chat w him every day, even when we do it's not like a whole night thing; and we text only for valid reasons. But seeing him instantly makes my day brighter.
Verdict >> Nah.. He's an awesome friend, one I an count on always.


Does he like me as more than a friend?
Okay, this guy's a good friend. I was w him through his unfulfilled love quest and he's the neutral ground for me and d ex. Nowadays he's the person I call when I need help or want lunch (esp when my aforementioned coupled friends go off being a couple).. Kinda like a special 隔壁桌 buddy (as Miss Kirsten would put it, my "best friend"). And he's the most supportive among my friends. Even when people judge or criticize me, he gives me a "Sarah Chong!!" and leaves it at that. Haha honestly I think I'm getting more and more paranoid.. Having a guy as a special-level best friend does not automatically put him in a like me/like him category.
Verdict >> Rationally... I don't think/hope so. I'm not his type at all..


What'm I gnna do bout this guy?
I quite sure about this one.. At least, I've got a strong hunch, and you know what they say bout girls' instincts. There are just too many factors that make him less o a "very-friendly and helpful" friend and more to "I like you what can I do for you?".
Then again who am I to judge the 'strength' o friendships? Maybe going out o their way to FOLLOW ppl home (I was driving; he followed in his car) despite having no sleep for bout 40 hours is a common thing betw friends.
Verdict >> I don't care. I'm not going to send him wrong signals but I'm definitely NOT going to pick up his.


What happened to the "promise"?
I wasn't sure that he's serious, and seeing that I'm not that interested anyway... I'm gnna drop it and not think about it anymore. No more dreading the day~


Yes, Sarah is being decidedly perasan. But why not? It's not like I'm obsessed w it.. Just good for pre-sleep musings =p

today's mood equation

> I'm caught between cramps and studio rush. Need I explain more? T.T

>> I complain too much =(

>>> Got myself a haircut ytd =D

>>>> Hubby is back in M'sia =D

>>>>> I acually like what I'm doing =)

>>>>>> There is no time to actually enjoy what I'm doing ='(

>>>>>>> I've not been replying to txts for almost a week now =(

>>>>>>> Sarah is in an adrenaline-fueled working mood =D

I'm not like crazy happy, but d plus factors outweigh the -ve's. GOOD ^^

I'm just saying...

If and when I get a BF, I refuse to have arguments/misunderstandings/fights/bickerings on a daily basis, ESPECIALLY in front other ppl. And the flirting/sneak poking/sneak pinching will b minimized when we're out w friends. Holding hands is acceptable. Oh and, unless it's just d two o us, I will tell my BF not to follow me everywhere I go. Couples do NOT need to b stuck together, again, in others' presence.

...... but I'm just saying.

Not having been part o a couple in public before, I have no idea what d norm is.
Dear couples around me, I am not put out w your displays, hence pls do carry on. If I happen to find every shop window intereseting regardless o d presence o "sales" signs, it is only because I've gotten tired o pretending not to see your *lovey-dovey*.


I do like d couple that prompted this rant. They're my best mates. I've just been got caught in a threesome a lot lately (it's either that, or to hang out w d ex and a gang o boys), and all d "pretending I can't see/hear" is getting on my nerves. I think I'm going to call d guys next time I want lunch.







One more thing. Is it true that once you'r part o a couple, 1+1+1=3 cease to exist? Cuz I've been feeling like 2+1=3, or 2+2+1=5. Are my individual friends gone now?


Sigh. Back to CHANGING *gasp!* my floor plans~

shucks

我不想做bscience了我想去睡觉~~~~~~~~~
不早点跟我说要做什么，只好一直等一直等一直等一直等...现在凌晨一点钟才开工你说！
啊哟哟哟哟哟这些念建筑系的都不喜欢晚上睡觉是吗>=(






刚才和学妹谈起八独中球赛的事情，很想看她们打球，特别现在认识的人都剩不多了，再不看就没意思了。
不过她们比赛期间我没空闲。啊~又是那一句话；说多了我自己都觉得没诚意。

想起两年前她们打全国赛的时候，我在宿舍、在家里连环打电话给在场观赛的朋友。不能到现场，听听声音都好。
那时有烧鱼、熊猫给我汇报...
排球队的朋友都没再联络了。






熊猫我的初恋...呵呵~现在自己19/20了，发现16岁真的很无知；好奇他怎么会和我扯上什么超出朋友的关系？
不管什么时候想起都想谢谢他当年知道我不喜欢所以一定会回复我的每封短讯、在我需要人赔的时候打电话陪我聊天、分手后不是朋友后还是当我是普通人对我好（他对谁都好，不会对我特别差）。
那时和现在的心情其实没差很多，还是有很多insecurities很多越想越多自己瞎紧张的时候。那时有人给我靠、安慰我，真好；但现在要自己勇敢，也很好。至少我知道自己可以勇敢。

在fb上看到一篇关于暧昧vs爱情的文章。这类文章还真多...不过我很认同；在我眼中爱情变了...






Sun shade device design in determined by the following factors:

THANK YOU NICK!

This big thank you goes to Nick, who gave me a huge surprise by actually buying me that cold Milo fr the vending machine. (see previous post)

I was in the middle o a tutorial session in which I was grilled by the lecturer over some practical aspects o my design (lady wants 2 toilets idk why), and suddenly I looked up and saw him coming in w 2 cans o Milo. In a split second I remembered our conversation last night and wondered if he remembered too. Yep, all this in the second it took for him to walk over and drop the can on the table in front o me and I could only nod my thanks cuz the lecturer was still talking!

Later I texted him my thanks, but mere "thx lots" could not express my feelings in that moment. That someone actually took the initiative to do something simple yet touching, is the major =D o my day.


***


I don't know why I'm so excited about this, it's not the first time I received a thoughtful gift, but Nick... I've known him all o 3? 4? weeks? and we're by no means great buddies. Yet I catch his eye across the room and a feeling o friendship passes between us.

Lol no, this is not a pronouncement o love. I am just very, very happy that I have a friend in him.



ps No offense to my darlings reading this, you ppl are awesome in every way =) Just that this post is dedicated to him ^^~

Stoning

Time and time again I told myself not to leave homework till nightime. But somehow inspiration/rush adrenaline starts after 10pm for me. And then I feel tired around 1am so my optimum work hours = 10pm-1am. 3 hours in the whole day. Geesh =(




While stoning online:
Nick says
TIME FOR AN AWESOME POSSOM Yummy cold chocolate based drink !
this calls for Milo!. on the rocks. shaken. not stirred.

sarah says
HAHA
make me one too
pleeeeeeeeeeeeez

Nick says
okayt
then
i'll scan it
you prefer jpeg or pdf

sarah says
can you import it to max file and send that

Nick says
so maafan.
jigei make la you

sarah says
cheh
i would
but there's no ice in d housee

Nick says
Y U no ice

sarah says
no ice tray

Nick says
oh noes
how now brown cow
can't make milo ice at home cuz no ice
can't go out an tapau
cuz waste time
its okay
next time i buy you 1 cold milo from vending machine. for now tahan 1st =D

*He always makes me smile no matter how lame our conversations sound ^^

goals for may & june

I find myself constantly blogging, becuz talking to myself in writing does not count as a sign o craziness.
Or so I thought.

Home alone now, but not for long... Hubby's gnna be visiting today!!
Looking forward to seeing her~ ^^


A short note on my resolutions for the next 2 mths:
1. Make daily goals-- and STICK to them!
2. Break a habit, instead, finish cross stitch project (that has been lying around for mths)
3. Make EXERCISE a habit! I just found out that I've gained weight.. And it's a significant amount! Phew. I need to get out more =(. *Thinking o going to friends' condo to swim or play volleyball between morning and night classes instead o sleeping in the library*

stalker

Work is.... done for the day~~~~~
Ended up sleeping only one hour this morning and crashing (for 5 hours) when I got home.
From now on I'm going to set daily targets and go to bed as soon as I achieve them. Enough sleeping on the floor/in front o the comp/w the lights on for sarah!


Catching up on some leisure stuff (ie chatting on msn, looking up song lyrics, reading, cross stitching) before turning in.
And checking somebody's profile on fb...

I'm NOT going to stalk him in cyberspace, nor am I going to start every one o our conversations on msn. Oi! His "relationship status" is already marked as "in a relationship"! And he's not even perfect bf material!
Oh, the joys o liking a boy. A CRUSH! Haven't had one o those since...?? *sighs w dopey smile on face*

Late at night when...

... all the world's sleeping, I stay up and think of you.
*I remember we used to sing this in class, back in Jr3 when I hung out w Cheryl the Squirrel (gosh I miss her) and her N's (Gailian, Colette, Ainie).*

It's almost 1am and I'm only about 30% done w my work. The AC in my room is switched on for the first time in days (cuz sis got ejected fr the muddies room) and I've got an 8am class tmr......


But then again I was the one who left my work till Sunday night XP



Spent the entire weekend NOT thinking nor doing. Didn't know ppl can do that, but I've effectively wasted 2 days w/o worrying about it...
Probably had enough emotions and analyzing going on on Friday to sustain me.
(A teaser: I went for karaoke alone, and my friends knew about it. Had to answer asked and unasked questions all through night class)



Ok back to work. Be back on my next break.


1.30am (break 2)
It's so HOT!!! And there's no water in the house for me to wash my hair. Bleh.

Finished the draft o my site analysis diagrams. Will be colouring them, but that comes last.
4 x A5 abstract postcards and 3 study models to make.
Aah...
*pats myself on the head*



4.45am
Just woke up from a "short nap".
Same amount work as previous to do, but hopefully I work better awake.

more o lonliness

4 hours to get photos printed, buy notebook/photo album, prepare draft for tutorial.
All this for a girl who has to depend on public transport to get to shops.

How to ask for help? What help to ask for? To drive me to the shops, help me decide on photo album, take over the entire "bday present project" so I can try to get some work done on my draft?
How to ask, when everyone has their own agenda?

Sometimes I think that I'm the only one who cares about this. I recall each classmate writing bday wishes on handmade cards which almost always turn out to be remenicenses o friendship over the years. Was it because we had more years together? (No, we spend almost every hour in the week together via fb, msn, plurk and out o class trips) Spend more time together in a confined space? (No, all the late night studio hours should make up for it)
Or did people "feel" more back then?

What happened to all the feelings, "gan xing"ness and ties o friendship?








This "proving to him that he's got friends" is harder than I thought. Mayb he's right about not having friends.
Or mayb none o us are really friends, we just pretend to be so that we can hang out together?

T.T

tired

My group leader has gone to bed. He is healthier than me in the sense that he falls asleep before 1am most days and wakes up early around 7, although he does not eat any vegetables at all.

Can I go to bed too? I'm tired though I slept thru most o my 1.5hour bus journey home, probably because it's now 1.20am and although I'm not as healthy as my group leader I still feel sleepy after 1.

Was in a very bek cek kind o mood just now. Tried to deal w too many things at once. Have got 2 group assignments going on while I tried to finish off the ex's bday present.

Aah. So now he's called "the ex".

Sometimes I feel lonely when I'm not needed. Like noone will notice if I disappear into thin air (highly impossible due to failure o diet).
Today was one o the days when I want to stop the world from depending on me.

I volunteered to compile info cuz I know I can do it well and since I know how everything goes I might as well help distribute the presentation slides. And then everyone starts asking me to explain the compilation as well as their respective presentation details. THAT was why I stepped down (fr being group leader) for the 2nd project, apparently not down enough.

Later Nick started quizzing me about BSci and I realized how much work we still have in order to complete the draft for tomorrow's tutorial. So I called up the file and got swamped from trying to take note o what is missing. I know someone has to look at the overall report and find out what's not where, but could it not be me, tonight? It feels almost like doing an individual project.

And then there's the problem o the ex's present.
Being the person to think and promote this idea is hard enough. Single-handedly I had to look up his friends and explain about needing their help. Alone I tried to make sure everyone sent in the required stuff on time. All the badgering, threatening and pleading... Having to make decisions by myself about printing and arranging is too much! If this is to b a group present, I need help...

I am tired o standing up. I want someone to take charge and tell me exactly what he wants me to do.




What about someone who could willingly freely and constantly listen to my whines, complaints and worries? Nowadays I don't whine as much cuz everyone has their own problems. I try to be the one they lean on.

But I'm tired o being alone. I want someone to stick by my side and go thru my stuff w me..




Yes, I've finally learnt to be independent. But I'm tired..............

crappy, crappy day...

... and I'm the one to make it so.
Think I'm probably suffering from PMS, PHD or something (yeah, blame it on the body). Snapped at people for no good reason all day long and even decided to lunch alone w the books on Dad's PDA in the cafeteria. I've not willingly chosen to do that since... Jr 1.

No, it's not my 3D model not working out. So far I've got all the doors and windows in and am working on the external facade.
It's not studio work, cuz I've not been given any jobs to do so far.
It's not the building construction group assignment (o which I'm group leader), cuz I've delegated the jobs (quite fairly, if I may say so myself) and my part doesn't come till compilation.
What else could be the problem?!??

I think I wnna go home to bed =(
...... it's only 6.24pm.

more o 3D

Sorry for d constant whinning here, ppl~ It's like the only place I can go on and on about something... In the real world everyone (and I mean EVERYONE, including the people at home) has their own homework problems.

11.02pm
I just want to draw a door. And put it in the wall. Is it THAT hard?!?!!
-- 1 hour since I started drawing the door....

11.10pm
I got my hole for the door!! HOORAY!!

11.14pm
WHY does my door only have a frame on one side?!!

11.45pm
BREAK!!

12.15am
Might as well go to bed...
*sets alarm for 6.30am

1.15am
Falls asleep thinking bout model

..... the Next day
9.15am
*jumps out o bed* Shucks my model!!

10.20am
FINISHES DOOR AND GROUND FLOOR WALLS!!!!! *skips around in excitement*

10.30am
Starting on windows next =(

wish i didnt have to say this...

......I'm giving up on Mesiniaga for the mo. For someone who has not quite grasped the ropes o 3d modeling softwares... it really is too much. Doing some normal old bungalow instead.

It feels like a defeat that I've not even got the building off the ground... Got stuck at the first step >> tracing the plan! Is the building too complicated or what =(

Missed church this morning cuz I couldn't get up on time then wanted to spend more time figuring out 3dmax. But going for some church opening thing (St. Thomas Moore Church, somewhere subang area) later~ Spending time w the Big-Guy-up-there is a Must on Sundays.

Sigh.

Back to work.

break!

Have been doing the same thing since this morning, which is to worry about my 3D model w/o doing anything towards the end product.
Granted, MESINIAGA is not easy but not that difficult.
Apparently I'm THAT good at procrastination.

Well, just this last bit o break (procrastination) and then I'd REALLY start on modelling.
What to blog about (again)?

Just an update on my Chinese blog, in case you're wondering what d password for 我们就到这[句点] is, it's "fullstop" k?
It's a post in response (kind o) to what my friends told me, what some o them were saying about me. I did not realize that someone actually thinks that I do not have the right to feel sad over the breakup, just because I'm the one to initiate it. If I felt sad, why breakup, they ask? Especially when the guy does want me back.
Argh. I DON'T want to explain myself further.
Why talk about my feelings and I all the time? I am just a speck in the big world.
No, I'm not feeling cynical. It really is what I believe in right now.

Not that I'm gnna stop disecting my feelings and boring ppl to death about them from now on. Just that my feelings about the breakup and the reasons for it, is clear. I've made them known enough times.

FULLSTOP.













THAT was over. I will get used to being single/available and start happily anticipating the next round o emotional rollercoasters.
Edmund got it right in his first text, God is preparing me for someone special, and preparing that someone for me.
Aww. Isn't that sweet of Him?




ok, back to 3D modelling.

God in Heaven, you know how hard it is for me to concentrate on only one thing at a time. If I promise to switch off all youtube, blogger and windows live messenger windows, can you help me w my model? By granting me a clear mind in deciphering the plans/photos/drawings, and in thinking out ways to construct the model. Thank you, I love You!

*fake smiles*

ahh. I think I remember the quote at the end o my last post.
Gingee the gingerbread man fr Shrek 2 said "Wheezes on you guys".
*nvm ignore this. It's not important*

Another half month since I updated here.. Anything worth blogging?
Hmm... A site visit to Melaka (got slightly sunburnt), running a RM7.00 fine (and still increasing!) in my school library, learning a 7-page new song for Easter, work, work, more work...?
Oh and Caramel gave birth again. lol~ Definitely giving away at least a couple o lil hamsties.


Have learnt to give the fake smile when ppl (who still haven't caught on) tease me about "us", and shrug casually when asked for his whereabouts/well-being. Though I did feel so guilty about carrying on this deception-by-ommission that I actually pulled a guy aside after class and told him that we've ceased to be "us" since a few months ago. Better to embarrass him now than later.

Still struggling to watch my two good friends couple in front o me. I love them lots, they've never complained about having me tag along sometimes, esp when they could tell that I feel lonely, but I don't like being a lightbulb at any time, nor do I feel good about having couples around me. All the loving is making me sour. Yeah, I'm being a selfish friend.

Had to stop myself fr going on a rebound a week or two ago. Kinda hate myself for being weak enough to even consider it. Purlezz. It's not fair nor right for either o us. I'm just lonely and unused to singles life, that's ALL.
Someone once told me it takes double the time you've known a person to forget him/her. Statistics have shown that it takes longer than that for me. Goodness. I've started being "single but not available" exactly 11 mths ago. By this rate I'd b ok by the time I graduate =.=





I don't miss him. I don't feel the need to talk to, text, or see him.
I don't want to organize his birthday celebration, nor his present. Since when have I become the person who knows him best?!
I absolutely DON'T want my friends to make us sit together during lunch, or work together for group assignments... EVER AGAIN. If I'd wanted to appropriate blame it'd be their fault for us rushing into this mess in the first place.






Ok, I admit it. The only reason I've not gone on an all-out hideout fr him is because I don't want him to be alone. I know that the main reason he hangs out w the gang during lunch or for someone's b'day party is because I'd be there.
No boasting/self-promoting intended. It's just a fact.
He's got friends, but social gatherings aren't his thing. He attended his first ever party in uni on my invitation and promise that I'd be there (although he started foundation a year ahead).

This can't go on, I know. He has to learn to hang out and chill more (yes, although I'm no social butterfly I am at least better than him)... No way I could look out for him all the time. Anyway it's none o my business, right?





Sigh. It hurts to carry on like nothing happened w him.
A friend asked how we could still be so close after the breakup? I smiled and told him because.




What I meant to say was because I'm strong.
I emo, I sad, I stand on the studio corridor facing the over-parked carpark and let the wind mess up my hair.
But I'd be ok...





Dear God, THANK YOU so much for every single one o my friends, especially at times like this.
Thank you for bro and sis, although all they did was to force me to play endless games o UNO.
Thank you for the companianship and encouragement fr Kev, Edmund, Angel Dear and Dai2 ZiQing.
Thank you for Michelle and Enoch who've never gave up praying for me.
Thank you for LeySoon who've teased me for "us" all these month.
Thank you for Nicholas, whom I've known for two short weeks but took our friendship for granted.
Thank you for Marcus, who've not said anything but was there w me on my road to more archi knowledge.
Thank you for HuiWei and Peter for being a couple, even in front o me.
Lastly Thank you for the ex/boy/friend, just to show me that I could be strong.









Then again, pls b there for me, dears~
I'm afraid o being lonely.

geesh

I cannot take on another person's self-doubt, nor their homework.
I have enough o my own.

Just spent like 40 minutes chatting on d phone w a friend while trying to think up homework topics for another via msn.
And all this while I know full well that I've got 3 assignments due tomorrow.

Having someone love you is a happy thing. Enjoy it even though you have your doubts.
You'd love remembering it when you'r old and doddering.
And never ever tell your significant other that you don't believe you two will b together till death do you part. It just isn't done.

Spending time shopping online when you know you've got assignments piled up, especially when you know you need help w it, automatically strips you o your rights to give up.
Whine and moan all you want, but you are NOT allowed to give up.



Gosh. I wish I was one o those "大愛" kind o person.
Unfortunately I am not.
So I end my rant by quoting a cartoon character I forgot... Whizzes on you guys!
=.=

divine intervention #3

Read: About relationships and dating
I read through this long, long passage a couple o times and came to a conclusion.

I don't love him. Not in any way except as bf #3 (old habit o loving what/who I've chosen). I don't want to spend d rest o my life w him, I can't think o a way I am attracted to him, and I am not concerned over his well-being any more than I do to a good friend.

But what about d msg? Read: Dating Catholics
I'm sure I could b wrong, but if d bible is so strongly against missionary dating, can I draw d conclusion that God didn't tell me to do it (date non-Christian in hopes o converting him)?

I will continue to pray for guidance. In d meantime, b assured that I will not do anything drastic.

divine intervention #2

I'm not a very spiritual person. Praying is more o a habit than a real dialouge w THE Supreme Being. I believe in but don't always practice complete faith in letting God rule my life. I've never actually "heard" an answer to my prayers, it just makes things look better if I prayed.

This is a first.

In d two days since I "heard", I've asked around (and seen some comments fr my friends), and all o them, even my Christian friends, have asked me to think it through. The Devil can sound exactly like God, says Christian friend #1.

I'm still in a confused state. Partly because I kinda know, deep down, that this is what I would've wanted to do. When I broke up w him, it's not that I wanted to leave him, but to take a step back and check if that relationship is what I want. So hearing an "order" to reconcile w d ex might b a figment o my subconscious.

But what if it's not? This is what bothers me d most. It being d first time I had this kind o experience, naturally I want to show God that I am willing to obey Him.

I guess I'm not ready for this kind o faith. I don't want to b tested on my faith and decisions! If it weren't for this episode, I wouldn't have entertained thoughts o reconcilation, even if I've thought o it. Really I won't. Becuz sarah does not like to regret decisions...

Read: Hearing God

The Bible says that dating a non-Christian is wrong, becuz he/she might lead me away fr d Christian life. Guess what, I've a shrewd guess that d "unfinished business" is something to do w me leading my ex to a Christian life. Cuz (when we were together) I've been praying that he'd believe in what I believe in. So convinient huh?

Blah. Utterly lost. Hoping for more divine intervention? Cuz this is just too out o my depth.

divine intervention... or not?

a note on studies. i just realized that my CGPA is way too low to b o any use to me in d future... esp if i wnna take Masters in d future. *work hard work hard*

Last night, i was asked by 4 different friends, whether i was ok? That's not a normal question, is it? Ppl ask if you'r hungry, sleepy, healthy, etc, but not if you'r ok. Unless i banged my head or sneezed 10 times in a row. Which i didnt. It wasnt even one o my emo nights. I was perfectly sane and contented. But i couldnt answer them. I didnt say, yes i'm ok, or of cuz im ok! I just fielded their questions.

Surprisingly i had a sudden urge to cry when i heard that question. And when i went to bed (finally! at 330am), i just started crying. It doesnt hurt bad, it's just sad.

I did what Ying2, Mic and all my LnL friends would tell me to do in any situation. I prayed to whoever's Up There, b it Jesus, God or Mother Mary. Or any Saints. And i got an answer! Or rather, this idea that came out o nowhere and stopped my tears when i think o it. But it's so impossible! And totally not something i would do. Couldnt help but to ask Him if he was actually serious?!?!

I am to reconcile w my "ex". As in, reverse d break up. Go back to being an item.
Apparently there are some unfinished business there that d Big Guy wants me to do.

oh, God.

brain overload!

.......on d first day o classes. probably due to me having turned into a couch potato during d sem break.

just wrapped up d search for d first studio project, space analysis.
have yet to go to our tutor to get it approved.

a word on my timetable: b careful what you wish for. it just might come true.

ive got a near perfect timetable. most o my classes finish well before evening (which means i can safely take public transport to and from school), and my one full day (8am to 10.30pm!) is on friday. plenty o time to rest + no submission pressure during d weekend.

on d downside? no close friends in class.
i was actually thinking o taking a different class so that i get to mix w other ppl? now i'd b facing a whole class o strangers/classmates ive not spoken more than 10 words to.

but all in, sem 3 has gone off w quite a good start.
i even remembered to bring some cash for my club claims, and didnt mess up my club things.
full power all d way, sarah! *smiles*

new sem resolutions

d whole point o making resolutions is to break them. so says Garfield.
but NO! im not Garfield=.=, though i enjoy d bullying o his owner. Arnold or whatzhizname.

sem starts day after tmr!
will b in Year 2 Sem 3. felt so inferior over those newbies who have just arrived (w their parents) to get their student IDs.
haha~

just saw my timetable on d portal. it's really nuts!
like, 8am classes + 5 hour breaks for one group, and 6-10pm classes for another.
heavens forbid that i end up in both groups!
*breathe in, breathe out*

Ju-ee was telling me about my attitude that day.
he said more positivity is in order.
really??
i guess i AM turning cynical. oh no~~~ d old spinster attitude.
NO WAY! im only 19 and 2 mths!
so that's my first new sem resolution:

1. be POSITIVE and stay that way.

2. do all my work on time.

3. NO late submissions.

4. STOP whinning.

5. always, no matter how tired i am, do my BEST.

6. balance social, club and academic activities.

a note about no.6, have i mentioned that im d treasurer (for d past year, izzit time to resign?) for a club my friend created? so anyway i believe i do have enough time PROVIDED i procrastinate and slouch around less.

7. always believe in myself. and d big guy up there =)



here's to sarah keeping all her resolutions!
*cheers!* i dont drink, but this looks like a good time for a beer. anyone join me?




ps confirmed lil ball o fur will b called crescendo.

whoa~

didnt know i was away for an ENTIRE month!
and i didnt realize that i missed blogspot till i noticed d signin >> post.
EASY layout.
really should spend more time here and less at wordpress... jkjk XD

just randomly texted and stalked a few ppl on facebook for d want o something to do, some sort o interaction w d world...

gnna play myself some piano after this.
and feed my darling hamsters + hamsties: caramel macchiato, allegro, adagio and... andante? crescendo? allegretto? forte? *cant decide on d lil ball o fur's name*

girls are weird

or mayb that's just me.
just bout 4 hours ago i mentioned d end o my relationship and a word o caution to myself to b careful bout future relationships...
and now im thinking...

i dont think he understands what im trying to tell him,
that i chose to stop this becuz o d fact that we'r not friends.
we could b great bf/gf, but if we werent friends to start w...
things would not work out.
that's why i wanted us to go back to learning to b friends.

he thinks that d reason is that i dont like him no more.
oh, so now i start double negative-ing.


i still do like being w him..
not so sure bout d "liking him as a person" part, but it feels nice when we'r together. like talking over lunch or whtever.

but i guess it's unforgivable to continue expecting him to reply promptly to my IMs,
calling him when i feel down,
or asking him to wake me up.
...... until such day that i ask d same curtesy o all (or most, or even some) o my other friends.

huiwei always tells me, it's ok to feel sad bout it, but i should never regret my decisions.
therefore i should stick to my decision to b FRIENDS.

really you must, sarah.

19 posts

i didnt know i blogged so much here.
time does fly, doesnt it?

things are settling down, w me learning how to b 20 XP (just in time for my 20th post^^)
somehow i think i need to think differently now.

new year, new bf mayb?
or even new single life. i dont really care right now...
not to b so dramatic to say that ive been scared off or scarred for life fr this experience.. but ive really learnt a lot o stuff tht noone tells you about.
gnna b more careful in my future relationships...



one thing i know ive GTTA learn this year
and that's my peoples skills.
besides this thing ive only just noticed, that i ONLY hang around my gang, and noone else,
im really tired o being refered to as "shy, sweet sarah".
being sweet is nice, but is that all i AM?
gdness.
sometimes i'd rather b teased or joked about than to b politely accepted.
so not fun.

and also to take on more responsibilities.
all through my high sch life ive had duties like being a prefect, committee member, editor etc,
as well as some church stuff, choir and all,
but ive never really TAKEN ON anything.
this year i'd b playing solo piano and teaching ssch (in church) alone. no more "assistant teacher" for me!
in addition, sometimes when circumstances require, ive just gtta stand up and take d lead in sch... to order and not to take orders... and to take d fall when mistakes happen...

therefore:
in this year 2011
sarah is going to learn to become a friendly, responsible, and truthful girl.


well.
i think tht's enough to get by =)


just a passing thought.
yknw sophie kinsella's (kinda) new book, twenties girl?
i got tht for christmas, and i was surprised that it's NOT about being in my twenties. lol~

uh oh

now that ive moved my spaces blog to wordpress (finally!)
im actually beginning to consider combining both my blogs.
as in, closing this one and blogging in both english and chinese at wordpress.
must b d new atmosphere there.
or im feeling lazy about updating at 2 places.

should i? ive gotten so used to having separate blogs to express separate sides ("english" and "chinese") o sarah.
like i couldnt, for some reason, think d same way in different languages.

giving this some serious thought......

NO WAY

i dont want to talk or chat to him on msn, facebook, thru sms or face to face.
i dont even want to look, see or hear him, virtually or physically.
until such time he understands that im no longer his gf.


i mean it.





there is a limit to endurance after a breakup and this is IT.




although i feel guilty for "ditching" him,
no amount o guilt is going let me run to his every beck and call.
i dont need to cater for his feelings beyond those o normal friends.
i do NOT need to feel bad about myself for not paying as much as attention to him as before.
oh pls, that is d WHOLE POINT o breaking up, aint it?

more o self-comfort

im under stress.
really i am.

but who actually admits that?!??





i like sketching and ive produced some "not bad" sketches this week.
at least one can actually recognize what i draw!
but i do get depressed when i look up and realize how far behind i still am.



i want to learn and practice my AutoCad drawings.
d only way to do that is to go on Cad-ing everything i can get my hands on.
but what if d whole group is waiting for me to produce d drawings?


i need to practice my piano in time for next sunday's mass.
im really a disgrace to d Grd 8 merit for taking so much time to learn one song.
but every moment not used to sketch or to Cad is filled w guilt.


ive got a S.Sch lesson to prepare for my std 5 class whom i'd b meeting for d first time this sunday.
ive not even openned my textbk yet.
but likewise d excuse above, i keep putting it off.




i admit that im a coward.
i do not dare to face my ex/boy/friend ive just turned down after half a year.
esp becuz im not crushed by d breaking up.
i go on smiling, laughing, talking and eating like before.
just not reading his msges or thinking bout d things we did together.
even if he's not d right guy, everything he's done for me should count for something.





i actually hav a tutorial session for my sketches for d past hour.
i just.......... need time to b alone.. to type and to say a prayer.