DAIM

Alternating betw breaking down and throwing tantrums.
I. AM. SO. SICK. OF. THIS.
I wnna sleep on my bed, w the lights off and don't care when I wake up.
I wnna spend time w my dad on his off days and bro/sis on their hols.
I wnna eat and drink and play w/o worrying bout wasting time.

 

DAIM IT I AM TIRED.

For now

Report done and submitted, with about 40 pages to Huey's 70. But it's the best I could do in such a short time. Unbelievably I've now got a fully constructed building, in the 3 weeks since my last design didnt pass. For this I thank God. And give myself a pat on the head.


However.
Having 30 pages o report less than others does not bode well. I hope I can scrape a pass. Otherwise will just have to resubmit and my results will not be good T.T
God, I really hope.


Now panels. And then model. My fav part. And finally this sem, after a long drought o 3 semesters, I promise myself to stop using sketchup print screens and RENDER my 3d model.



And then off to shop!
Shoes Xmas dress Lipstick Movie the hobbit wheee Screen protector for phone Iphone5 case for dad
And all my Christmas shoppings.


But let's finish my panels first =)

Things to do

... now:
1. plans
1.1 column grid
1.2 openings ie door windows
1.3 site plan
1.4 roof plan
1.4.1 inclination angle, fall, drainage
1.5 drops
1.6 finishes
1.7 floor traps etc
1.8 annotations
1.9 car park
19.1 numbering
19.2 carpark calculation UBBL
1.10 circulation (carpark, stairs)
1.11 sewerage/manholes/drains
1.12 security
1.13 labels (name, area sqm, FFL)
1.14 furniture
1.15 fire stairs
2. section
2.1 annotations
2.2 finishes
2.3 floor levels
3. elevations
3.1 facade design
3.2 materials, embodied energy (report), precast lightweight foamed concrete sandwich panel
3.3 floor levels
3.4 annotations
4. ESD (bscience)- light shelves, rainwater harvesting, sun shading
4.1 sectional/schematic diagrams
4.2 report
4.3 compliance to UBBL
4.4 OTTV/RTTV/u-value, etc
4.4.1 solar/internal heat gain>> OTTV?, shading coefficient- before and after cladding
4.5 calculations of ESD, ie energy saved, rainwater harvested etc
5. 1:200 massing model, physical model?
6. precedent studies
6.1 site analysis + social issues
7. design narrative diagrams
8. natural lighting levels
9. acoustic levels, methods
10. water tank
10.1 consumption
10.2 water tank calculations
10.3 Nahrim
26. ventilation schedule

btech
11. key plan
12. door/window schedule
13. axo section
(http://www.bignatov.com/images/projects/lg_tr_house/HT_3d_section_WEB.jpg)
14. detail #1- facade (louvres) + light shelves
15. detail #2- glazing
16. detail #3- curved roof
17. fire (report)
17.1 running distance
17.2 keluar sign etc
17.3 compliance to UBBL
17.3.1 exit width
17.3.2 occupancy load
24. floor plans
25. elevations
27. cold water schematic
28. sanitary schematic

PM
18. Gannt chart/WBS
18.1 project deliverables
19. design analysis
19.1 program me viability, design suitability (suitable design for programme?), maintenance strategy (essay)
20. SWOT analysis
21. risk matrix/analysis + mitigation strategy (table) (programme, construction risks, specific to bldg)
21.2 success criteria (client's point o view)
22. site layout

Panels
23. 3D perspective + montage




... after:
1. wash bathroom floor
2. manicure
3. pedicure
4. see doctor
5. shave
6. clean room
7. practice violin
8. SLEEP
9. READ
10. go for confession
11. buy dress
12. buy high heels
13. karaoke
14. go drinking
15. exercise
16. watch the Hobbit
17. go on date
18. prepare portfolio
19. get BoostJuice smoothie
20. 
... tbc

Dear God

Dear God,
I have 2 more days. Well, less than that. I need 70 pages o report, I've got 8 now. I also need a full set o working drawings, and you've seen last night that I do not know how to draw.

I sleep. And eat. And check facebook. God, stop me if that makes it too hard for the miracle to happen.




Sarah, you need to work faster.

I'm done with

My homework and life are in such a state I really don't where to start in terms o fixing them.
God, I need a miracle. Pls pull me through.

the end

This has gtta b the longest period I've had puffy eyes since Jr1 my first year in the hostel.
Back then I dealt w it by getting used to and enjoying life. Mayb I should do the same now.


I know I've done wrong. I know I've faults. But I'm not God nor a saint and never will be. While concentrating on doing good on one end I fail to balance the other.





Meanwhile, there's studio work to be done and dinner to be eaten and cleaned up.
Dealing w my problems one by one starting w
puffy eyes- no more crying + wear specs to hide
headache- panadol and water
homework- work faster and smarter
ze darling- enough w the clinging


I can grow up, I can.

work plan

I will not talk of the tears of yesterday but of puffy eyes this morning.
My comment? >> ugly much =.=


Anyway
Work plan for the next 24 hours:
(mom's)
- minutes
- essay
tbc (to be completed) wed 12pm 

(tourism)
- report
tbc wed 9pm

(studio)
- design concept
- massing strategy (fr precedents)
- spaces + cad
tbc thurs 2am
- form/facade + 3D
tbc thurs 12pm



Dire times.
My thanks to Huiwei and CheeHuey for their care and concern.
Everything is not ok. But they will be.

pre-bday

Never realized one can be plagued by being too contented.
It's my bday tmr, and suddenly I'm excited. I do love receiving wishes fr my friends and family, to unwrap gifts and to accept cards. And the cake, o cuz.


Parents were asking what I want for my bday. Cuz it's customary to give a "大礼" (big gift) for one's 21st bday.
Somewhere deep down there is one little girl who wants everything. But it's the frugal soul that dominates, who refuses to give in to loving materialistic stuff, and to join the world that buys and buys.


I want hugs and cuddles and Chatime and bread pudding.
An sms fr a long-uncontacted friend, a postcard fr overseas.
To snuggle in bed w a good book, or having hot chocolate w marshmallows (well actually Coffee Bean's Red Velvet Cocoa was really good!)

I want a new phone, definitely, sometime in the future
an instant camera I can bring along on my travels
a digital one altho I've taken over dad's now
a charm bracelet I can add on to each year
a necklace w the gold key symbolically giving me my freedom
the new pastel Sharpies cuz they look adorable
SHE's latest album (and some o their old)
a new black dress and the heels to go w it


I want and want and want, but again am scared o the disappointments o reality.
Therefore I settle.






back to my design report. and some coffee if I can get it.
Happy bday in advance, sarah.

Final interim sem 6

Woke up in the morning, called Huey. She sounded like she had barely any sleep and still she whined that she could not finish on time.
I had enough sleep, more than enough actually. And I'm sure I had less panels than she does. Why am I not the one on the verge o tears?


Well actually I am, too. I'm always on the verge o tears =.=
Starting to feel impatient w myself. There's only do or don't do, not do + cry and don't do + cry! Gah.


My thanks to Dear for his "visualization exercise" late last night. It helped, but not for today. Today I'm gnna present my x-amount o panels, w all my work in progress, for pin-up and leave all to God. It's 10 crucial but still only 10 percent.



Just do it!

Back now

A week since my last post, been to Phnom Penh, Cambodia, and back.
Trip was good, experienced a new culture and met alot o really nice ppl. Spent abit o $$ too hehe.


It's my off day tonight. I know I've not done much while away, but I believe I can finish on time. Blatantly refuse to work the night I arrive back home, need this time to 收拾心情, as well as to prepare myself for the real world again.


I've not cried since my promise last Sat, but still get random teary moments. However am learning to catch them before they fall. Drowning my sorrows and worries by linking SHE songs on Youtube tonight. That is perhaps why I love their songs? Not only becuz they sound good, etc, but becuz I draw strength from their voices. 11 years and counting.


2 more days?

听了一整晚的女声，最后选了最后合声翻唱的原唱版收尾。等不到宝贝上网，时差6小时不是盖的。晚安，爱你。

It's so easy to cry

... I'd just drop my defenses for a split second and my eyes would well up. There are times in the day, that I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And that's just my world.
"Be strong," the Dear said. "*snort*," answered sarah.



Big girl, baby, pls don't cry.
Remember your promise, your pretty eyes and your responsibility.
There is time enough, to cry. And this is not it.




Be strong, sarah.
Be strong.

I'm bored

... I don't like being bored.
Design tutorial was slightly stimulating, some parts o it. Finally went to my design tutor, after frequently dismissing him as fairly helpful w suggestions but pretty useless in helping me solve my issues. Well he did help abit, but I've still gtta work out stuff for myself.


My brain is dead, I think it burnt out.
I want nibbles, hugs, warm milk and bed.





Google calender says I've got 3 tasks to complete by today, and 5 more by tomorrow.
I want to take tonight off, please pretty please?

I'm cold

... and I cannot do anything about it cuz the temp on the AC is alrdy at 25C and the other occupant o the room is a warm-blooded male w whom I've always had minor disagreements about the temperature.



I don't know how to design anymore.
I don't want to get lost in making a sensible building.
I don't want to wonder about columns and floor areas.
I don't want to spend alot o time drafting, there is time enough for that.
I want my building to look inviting and interesting and what not.


I want to love my building.
The love for my ideas, the site and the drive to design seems to have lost their GPS coordinates to this point in time.





I don't know what I'm doing, except to build blindly.
God help me.
*goes for nescafe break*

wall-hugger

On the wall betw academia and design.
In high school I was a rather good science student, while excelling in English. I worked w gel pens.
In uni I learnt about design and beauty, of aesthetics and spatial language. I work w ink and pencil.


Where does my future lie?






Meanwhile, I have a Project Management exam to study *puts on earphones*

emptiness

I wonder if one refused to think, to lose oneself in another story,
Or to acknowledge the tears, letting them flow unheeded
To stop feeling, not even the pain o bruised hands on walls

Would life's mess straighten themselves?








I'm sorry.
Goodnight. Will try again another day.

goodbye, dear friend

One of my ex choir members passed away last night in a car accident. I was alil shook up by it, especially as she was young, pretty and had her whole life in front o her.
Wrote bout the futility o life in my wordpress blog.


There are times I tell myself, it's ok to die. It will happen, eventually. Yet I make plans for tmr, next mth, or even 5 years down the road.
And I get disappointed if my hopes aren't fulfilled.


I think it's high time I learnt to take disappointment. God has His plans, which always includes the best for me.
I was browsing her blog, and came across this story about Josh and his conversation w God one day. He was in the dumps for his car breaking down, being late for work, not getting his food served on time, etc. But then God explained that He made his car break down so he could avoid a car accident, made him late for work to miss a call fr a person w a spiteful vendetta, etc.
"Be it done unto me according to thy will."


Death is sad, mostly because o the lost hopes and the ppl left behind. I close my eyes and think about the pain felt by her family, close friends, classmates and tutors, and my tears fall.
Agnes wouldn't have thought a girl she sometimes smiled at in church would be affected, but I was.
Death passed close to me today. May your soul rest in peace, MP.

LOL-ed

Thank you, dear Nick, for posting this on your facebook status:

The awkward moment when you walk into your studio and you see your deputy dean playing ping pong with another lecturer on a makeshift table.

Shall bring that to mind when I'm stressed. 

 ps Deputy dean is pretty, always in a dress and wears minimum 3-inch heels.

time

Trying desperately not to lose it.
So much to do, so little time.
Where's the adrenaline?








You have time, sarah.
Go for it. This is not the time to lose hope.

I shouldn't be

... so depressed. I have no right to be. Especially when I've got work to do and ppl depending on me to get them done.
I don't want to be clingy, or dependent on anyone. Just can't do it alone for now.



Holding on. Barely.
Dear God, if I can just ask for one thing, it's something that'd make me really happy to look forward to. Preferably something totally unrelated to my present state but I won't be picky.
I just know that determination, peace, etc, will come, if I can just set my mind on something happy.






Please, God. It's already Monday now.

full moon o 8th mth at home

Didn't make it to St Mary's to listen to the dear for his first piano recital accompaniment at service, but went out for dinner @ William's w bro, sis and Himself.
And then some lanterns and pomelo and papaya.






Simple dinner, some kiddie fun and a lil cuddling.
Sigh.

it's now tmr

Public bus to sunway. Walk into uni. 4 floors up to studio. BTech tutorial. Reverse route.
Shuttle bus to subang. Walk into Subang Parade. 3 floors up to Yamaha. Buy books for student. Reverse route.
Public bus back home. Call parents. Get ride home. Do work.


Stamina is real low nowadays, getting tired so easily.
There's not much to look forward to, work is interesting but not fun, chores are boring and meals are so-so.
Sleep mayb? But been waking up fr dreams for the past few days, don't really look forward to that either.


I want a chocolate bar. Or a choc sundae. Or a Rotiboy since I'm going to Parade.
Sorry I comfort eat.

goodnight world

Authentic Phnom Penh. Architecture Phnom Penh. Authentic district Phnom Penh.

Precedent study. Building programme. Building type. Site.

Building site plan. Building boundary and setback. Roof design. Section.

Running nose, infection, headache, sore throat, fever.

Stinky, blanky, panda, Noah, pillow.

Dreams, bad dreams, same dreams, dreams.

Goodnight world, I'll see you tmr.

Lazy

I used to tell people that I'm lazy to wait for the lift when they ask why I always take the stairs.
In the same logic, I'm feeling too lazy to go home now. It just takes too much effort to get to and back from uni, yknow? Esp when carrying a laptop.


Besides, I've nothing to look forward to at home. Bummer =/

Seriously

It's not my fault that someone in the house is never pleased w the way things turned out.
That things aren't done on time, or located at the right position, or that I have lazy siblings.
They have stopped listening to my orders or advice since they were 5 years old.


I don't care. Don't want to care that you don't like the way the house is run, because I've done my part.
If you want my help, you'd open your mouth to ask and if you didn't, I'm not handing out free help.
Not in exchange for more sharp words and blame.


I hate waking up to yells because some teenager refuses to get out of bed. I'm not responsible for what the said teenager does in the wee hours, and therefore should not be punished, because I, being a good girl, have gone to bed at a decent hour.
I'll get myself ready by the appointed hour, and will try to get my siblings ready too, but I'm not responsible for them ok? I can no longer drag them to the bathroom, stuff a toothbrush in their hand and then try to dress them.


I've been appointed to do this, this and this, and I've done them.
I cannot pretend that I like doing chores, and I especially don't see why I've to try so hard, when others living in the same house are unconcerned.

day out

... w the fam and the dear.
We had yong tau foo at Puchong before heading down to Sepang, Morib and Tanjung Sepat.
Detoured to Paya Indah Wetlands glad it was still operational, rented bikes, saw part o a hippo, some crocs, chickens, birds, geese, ducks..
Visited the mushroom emporium farm, had a shot o T.S. famous coffee, bought some fishballs.
Took a long and windy walk down the Qing Ren Qiao next to the restaurant, ate seafood till we nearly burst.
And then the hour plus drive back to Selangor and bro's mini bday celebration.

watching the sun set over Tanjung Sepat

Sometimes I think...

... they just don't care.

Had a movie outing w uni friends later today, but when I told mom, she told me in return that sis is going to have some friends over in the afternoon and that she (mom) will b busy.
If I were unsympathetic, I'd have asked..... so??
But I know mom wants me to stay at home to look after the kids, even if she didn't put in a request. So I canceled my outing.




Making some pastry to cheer myself up. Not my business if I mess up the kitchen.
And then mayb I'll do some house chores, like making lunch or ironing. Maybe.

Moody

.. I don't know why.
Besides being exhausted fr lack o good quality sleep and too much exercise.


Spent the day w my LnL buddies, laughed enough serious ROFL's to last another couple o months, went for Indian food w Kopi Ais and Teh Limau Lemon Ais.
Sigh. When I used to do that every Saturday before piano classes and before parents want me to stay at home all week.

And then met the Darling, went for a walk in KLCC.
Somehow we always have to find small openings in which we can meet. Bro's art class, group project at friend's house, that 15 mins before my parents got home fr church. Cuz somehow I don't think the muddies would like me seeing him every other day.
But I want to. And said so.
My thanks to the Darling who does not mind the traveling time and odd hours.

And then dozed on the LRT home.

Then choir practice. I believe I've been progressing. No fancy fingerwork but I'm sure God doesn't mind my simple chords.

Then home to an empty house, lots o un-ironed clothes, dirty dishes in the sink and some 7 pages o Youth Catechism to prepare.



I can't smile. Even while my jaws hurt fr laughing, or feel the pleasure o a hymn well played, I remained moody. Depressed if you'd like to call it.
Is it just a period, or am I turning into a rusty, leaky water tap?

sem break

Been spending alot o time on Google, it satisfies my curiosity =)

Ever wanted to stream a series of songs that fit your mood, but didn't want to spend too much time building your own playlist?
Musicovery works pretty well for me ^^


Desktop at home is running out o memory again. Can't even perform simple Word functions.
Tinkering around w my hard disk, trying to find some organization in the music and archi archives.
Need to clear the desktop soon, not supposed to rely on Mac for work.


Dear told me to download and try out Revit. But I've alrdy got ArchiCAD installed on both platforms, can I try that first?
Seem to recall promising myself to learn ArchiCAD two sems ago. Got as far as building my first storey. Shall I make good on my promise this break?




One week o sem break has passed. Besides going swimming last Mon and having lunch w the Wifey on Fri, haven't really accomplished much.
Come girl, do you good to have some goals:
- Learn ArchiCAD, build sem 5 final building
- Learn rendering, render sem 5 final building
- Use Illustrator/InDesign to compile portfolio/redo sem 5 final panel
- Read and review 5 archi books
- SKETCH
- Finish cross stitch project
- Archive sem 2-5 documents
- EXERCISE
- Read archi details
- Figure out filing system for work/music files
- Invite Dear for dinner
- Read books on loan fr Dear


Well! That's enough for 3 weeks methinks?
Sarah pls find your willpower before your final sem.

*muse*

Spent most o the night reading romance online. I know there's better things to do, but a girl needs her comfort days off...


I tear easily. Over all real and imagined sorrows. Not one to break down in front o friends or family, but would quietly dash the tears away. I don't like to cry, but for me it's a very practical to do at times. Releases emotional build-up, see?





Office politics are horrible stuff, worse than school politics. At least there's a common goal in school, while offices are just money-making businesses.
I cannot understand it, and it hurts me to be unable to comfort the darling. There's just nothing to be said, cuz the world is like that, take it or leave it.


At times like this I feel so young and vulnerable. While in uni I can still choose who I want to please and avoid the ones I don't want to interact with. In a few months time, I'll be entering a world where I can't hide from those I don't have a liking for. Would I be able to put on a mask, or would I continue to let my temper break at times, allowing my disdain to surface?






Although... there are the cold hard facts of the world, and there are love and comfort. I believe there is a way to bring them together, using the latter as ammunition against the former.
Which is why I never say no to a hug. It solves nothing, and probably wastes the few seconds it takes to hug, but it provides strength to continue fighting. Seriously, even by iron determination, one'd still lose a fight should they run out o ammo, true?



Then again, sarah needs more determination. Supposedly there is a way to control the feeling o "don't care"-ness, when I'd do anything, even to the extent of hurting myself, just to get what I want.
Must really work on it this sem break.
 
Starting w the workout I've been promising myself. Felt so good to be working my limbs, yesterday when I went swimming! Really, perfect coordination o body parts are one o the most satisfying accomplishments. See playing violin in an orchestra, playing volleyball and playing piano w all ten fingers. Sarah's life achievements XP







Tomorrow is a new day, and God will look after His own.
Don't know how I dare ask so much after all I've done in terms o sinning, but I have faith in Him.
That He will be ever-present in our lives and watch over us.

《野地的花》

野地的花 穿着美丽的衣裳

天空的鸟儿 从来不为生活忙

慈爱的天父 天天都看顾

他更爱世上人 为他们预备永生的路

 一切需要 天父已经都知道

若心中烦恼 让他为你除掉

慈爱的天父 天天都看顾

他是全能的主 信靠他的人真是有福

Love conquers all. This is not just a romantic one-liner k.

Goodnight world, sleep well. Dream o me k =p







*Later in the day*
A short revision on crying:
Sometimes I cry for no apparent reason. Once it's triggered, there I go.
Thrice today already, and I've yet to have lunch yet..
Thank you, dearest, for not turning away.




All the best to y'all fighters out there. You'll never fail when you've tried your best =)

突然很lost

最近和dear之间发生了很多事，不是闹不和什么的，反而太和了一些。
话不能说太白，但莹现在处于一个感情上转勒点，从sweet sixteen的恋情突然变到很大人很成熟，我怕...
想别那么快，但就紧张说如果我想停止，或向后退，会不会对他不公平？因为之前一直都是我要求或同意的。


嗯，是我没有三思。不不，是我不知道会这样。




还是得忙功课。 感情事先搁着。

iCrave

... these

1. Oreo/Cocopie
2. Chatime milk tea (Thanks to bro who insisted on going and mom who paid and sis who shared w me 15/7)

3. Bananas (Yep it's ripe now =p 15/7)

4. Cheesecake
5. Sem break (It's here now ^^)
6. A walk in the park (I'm sure walking along d streets o Mont Kiara counts.. 31/7)
7. Karaoke session (for Tham2's bday celebration 31/7)
8. A good non-archi related book (I have your number by Sophie Kinsella)
9. A swim/volleyball game (yesterday. First time since.... a long time ago 31/7)
10............................ ze darling 



Waiting for #3 to ripen, and hopefully I get #10 tonight.
Meanwhile, back to house chores and work.

Just really worried

... of how I'm struggling to understand Urban Design and studio work.
Have my moments of depression when I'm convinced I'd never understand it and make it work.


Thank you dear for all your help. And to Huiwei and Shin and Juee for answering my stupid questions.
God, pls grant me patience, humility and strength.
Working on the backbone for my project, as well as for sarah herself.

hot and lazy sat afternoon

Good things come to those that wait.
I mean wait patiently, not procrastinating.
Sigh alright I shall wait not procrastinate. What's another week?
And another. And another two? *bangs head on wall*



Gosh it's hot. And I'm sleepy.
Writing essays are fun, but not 7-page ones on Moral.
Sigh.




However. Life is good becuz:
1. I got my pay today. After 4 lessons spanning 3 mths.
2. My hair is almost.. ALMOST long enough to b tied.
3. I got to sleep 6 hours last night and nap for awhile just now.
and.... 4. I get to see ze dear later ^.^

my short but growing out hair. will b patient XP

one down...

... eight (I think?) more to go!
Btech Bscience Btech Bscience Moral Costings Bscience Studio Portfolios PADI Final exams. 
Eh wait no that's 11. All within the next 3 weeks. Ahh life's good.



Had studio internal review this afternoon. Worked till noon then went to uni to pin up.
Work was lousy. I know it could b better (at least more complete, can't believe I totally forgot to include my windows) and have firmly resolved to work harder (and faster) fr now on.

> Gah. Count the number o times I've said that.

>> Nonono this time I mean it!!




I need exercise. Oh, walking to and from bus stop doesn't count. I need real exercise.
Walked arnd pyramid area and then ss15 in the afternoon just for a short while and was so exhausted on the bus home. I was just walking! In flats! *sighs*
Will get to it when I finish my 11 items above =/




Wishing Yying a safe journey tmr and have a great time on SEP!
Not at all worried for her.. more like wondering how I'd deal w the hyper-excited girl after awhile there.
It's always the first few days that are blue I promise.





不敢想的明天
- 不知道是哪首歌的歌词。女生唱的。


很高兴dear喜欢自己给他送的小惊喜。搭车、走错路、差点儿渴死，就为给他送食物、剪报，都没关系。
因为我知道他会开心。
不知道啥时起跟他有了默契，就像给老婆买礼物不是因为知道她喜欢那样东西，而是因为知道那东西对她的意义。

So come on, come on, get it on
Don't know what you're waiting for
Your time is coming don't be late

 - <Shine>, Take That (yes that's the name o the band..)

A new favourite o mine <3

random pic

... of when I spent over an hour taking public transport to have 15 mins o bliss.

beautiful sunset over subang

I know some friends think it's crazy, esp w d workload, 

but how else can we see d beautiful life?

Soooo blessed to have you

.... how many times have I said this? I suspect I'll b saying a few more times in the near future.

Was out on a date w a special someone last night, went to The Loaf @ Bangsar and then for a frappe at Starbucks. Spent over an hour chatting on the sofa.
Relationship dating has its perks. One o them being I don't have to wait for the phone call after we go home, except for the one that informs o his safe return.

Sshhh.. Not ready to have it announced and get round to mom and dad yet.
I got off lightly for overspending on my phone bill but it hasn't arrived yet meaning dad still doesn't know how bad it is so I'm still on my best behaviour.





I am ever thankful to have him in my life. For a season, reason or a lifetime, thank you God.





ps I think it's time to codename him. He's definitely gnna be featured here. Playing arnd w Beanie, cuz somehow Khalil Fong's《红豆》reminds me o him.

There are things I like to keep a secret

..... face it, noone needs to, or want to, know everything about me.
Have been slowly adding readers to this blog over the years. Idk how many still read, but thanks to those who do. These are things I'd have told you if we had the time to sit down and recount our lives.


Was talking to a friend about 21st bdays. I'm gnna be 21 in 6 mths' time! No comment on that.
Happy bday to all the friends whose bdays and parties I missed. Not that I don't care, I just don't find it in me to go.


Another update on major events:
- Trip to Toulouse, Lourdes, Paris (France)- This deserves a post by itself.
- 520- Eventually I'll tell.
- Archi sem5- Midsem come and gone.
- Life seems to b uneventful lately.

And also should probably note that Sunshine will not b featured here anymore. Not even as a good friend. *shrugs* Thing in life.



It's 5am. Heading to bed soon as I post this. Started typing this while waiting for a friend who has declined to b named to come by to borrow the installer for 3dmax. Yes, guy drove all d way fr KL in the wee hours to borrow an installer.


Gdnight world.
With love.

ashes

Yes, burnt out and reborn fr the ashes.
But if this strain o being awake at 3am continues, shall soon burn myself out again.



It was a horrible experience last week, being so stressed that I couldn't eat nor sleep properly.
Subconsciously.
Still tried to make myself eat and sleep.



Have got alot more work to do, all due before today (counting fr 12am) is over.
To sleep or not to sleep?
As usual the question.
Not sleeping only allows for 6 hours (max!) of extra work, excluding the time spent trying to stay awake;
Sleep however is a scary business cuz I'd be plagued by fear that I couldn't finish my work when I got up.





A short break, and then back to work.
With love, sarah.

Approaching burn out

Woke up to teach piano, went out to measure a bungalow, then went for choir practice. Got home abt half past eleven.

Washed the dirty dishes in the sink, fed my hamsters, chased bro off the desktop.

Start work. Have to send work to friend before leaving the house tmr, which will be at

6.15am tmr cuz I've got some church stuff to do, before going to friend's house to cont working in the afternoon. And sometime in the day I've to find time to draw the plan for the bungalow.




A very busy weekend, God grant me strength and stamina.
Rapidly approaching burning myself out.

With love, to myself

一直不停的赶

很累。每次打开电脑做功课就是在赶。
别说要好好分配时间。是不够用的。

而且，有时不是我不想帮忙。Groupwork就是要大家分工合作。
只是如果组长偏要通宵自己做，我实在没办法。
硬跟她抢着做？很遗憾，我没敢让她有机会说一句“没关系，我做的更好”。是的，自尊心受不起。
试问，面对不信任自己的组长，我该怎么办？



莹加油！累了就和朋友聊聊，看看杂志，或闭目休息一下。只要别burn out就是了。

Friday evening jam

Waiting out d ham jam in d mac lab o Taylor's library cuz dont wnna b caught standing on d bus in d jam. Switches on fb. Gets invited out for dinner. Decides to go for dinner by first taking d bus to where friend is. Taking d bus while there's a jam outside.










sarah you are hopeless.



Short note (day after):
Friday evenings are day outs for most people. If dinner is taken at a 24-hr kopitiam located near common ground, it is inevitable that one'd bump into friends.
LOL-ed at the face of one of our mutual friends when he stopped to say hi and realized who my dinner companion is.

Please. What you see is what it is. Dinner and conversation.

Happy Birthday, J

Working @ Evan's w Shiobi and Huiwei for our first studio presentation later today.
Drove here @ 3pm and somehow it's now 5am the next day.
Called mom @ 8pm to say I'd b home late.
Called dad @ 12am to be told to go home ASAP.
Mom called @ 1am to tell me to stay put till daylight.
I'm horrible @ staying up late, and yet it's now 5am. *forgive me for repeating, I still can't believe it*






It's a friend's bday.
Since I am for once w a car and he isn't, I drove over to take him out for tea arnd 10pm (after dinner).
Mighty quiet bday celebration, just d two o us, in an extremely brightly lit 24-hr kopitiam.






I know what Vicky and Shin thinks/said.
I know what I told Mortal Dear.






But I'm not sure what I think.
Shites.

Staying up till 2.25am

... becuz I'm in one o my moods.
Wouldn't it b better if I just go to bed and sleep my bad mood away?



8am class tmr, work not done, bag not packed, clothes not laid out.
Letters not replied.







Sot.
I blame Hormones.


Nitez.

One after Another

I couldn't believe that it got this far. In the eyes of our mutual friends, I mean.
I. Am. Not. Amused.
Resigned, more like.
I am not swayed though.
We. Are. Just. Friends.



Greg once told me, it's good enough that we can even share a slice of Jesus' pain.
With the one meal I had for today, and the Good Friday service during which we kneeled, stood and kneeled some more.. I am thankful.
I am also thankful for the friend that went to STM's 8pm service w me. After my class and his work.


Not so thankful though that our colleagues now think whatever they want to think regarding a guy and a girl who went to church together.







Gnna go snuggle in bed to open Yying's letter which had arrived by post this morn.
Things that can't be helped can go work themselves out, I refuse to worry.





ps
After I finished this post and got into bed, sis came bouncing in w the news that my mom thinks that I have a boyfriend, namely the (ex-)colleague with whom I went for service.
With all fair respect, I did invite Shin and Nico to join us. They declined.
Also, I. Am. Not. Interested.
Last night was a religion thing, no romanticism intended.

That point....

.... where I refuse to take anymore. There's just no point in beating myself up, yknw?
Posted a short post titled "Because I care" at wordpress and sent the link to sunshine.
这么几年了，还是用部落格表达很难说出口的话。

"Because I care"

Thought you should know

Try to remember your rain checks next time, it’s hard enough asking once.

Missed chatting w you, but it’s fine if we’re both busy.

Tell me that you’re just nice to everyone =)

Do you really not know?

I think I cared too much.

Now he knows.
And I don't care that he knows.
Now that I have my answers I can hopefully stop crying myself to sleep.


Conclusions:
He's just nice to everyone.
He's been really busy and will continue to be.
He's sorry that he's the reason I've been hurt.



I'm just frustrated cuz I assumed so much.
I think lesson learnt was to disbelieve everything till the proof is sitting in front of me.





Enough!

saved smses

对不起，我不应该这么做。

最近要跟妈妈换电话，这两天在记录下自己saved的400多封简讯。
嗯啦别笑，这事我21岁了还在做啦...
其实多数存着是给自己勇气，顺便纪录生活点滴。
没有很多甜蜜偷笑的信息了啦！





看着sunshine和我从同学谈功课一直到很熟生日约我吃晚餐然后到说要rain check晚餐的那封，之后都没再有他主动的信息。
是工作忙，没兴趣了，还是为什么，都不是我能知道的答案。










但是我很想念他。
即使日记、部落格、甚至对朋友，都宣布已经把这个chapter合上，但喜欢一个人有错吗？



喜欢。我只是喜欢他而已。
没有爱。
甚至没想过未来。
那我要的是什么？自己也不知道。
只是，希望能和他聊天、约会、分享生活的事情。








对不起，他的短讯本来就不该存着，更不应该一封封开来看。
以为自己在决定放弃时已经把绝大部分删掉了 ，今天才发现原来选择性删除还是没用...










为什么还为感情哭。
对不起要懦弱一下。我很想他。

random friday night at home

Didn't realize it was Friday night till I saw my msn list and noticed that only a few ppl are online. No more working! and just got back fr a holiday w the fam. No wonder I don't feel the pressure of going out tonight.




In the end, my last moments at AC were some hurried goodbyes and many ppl wishing me "all the best in my studies".
No photos, minimal handshakes, no promises.
That's my limit though. While saying my goodbyes to Abang Razak (a senior draughtsman- part o d "pantry gang") and then signing the register and walking out the door I actually had a moment of "gosh I just might cry".

As always, sarah attached sentiments to the most impossible things.






 I miss my violin. Could be an impulsive idea but I wnna pick it up again.
As in, pick it up to play. Like what I do w my piano, sitting down when I feel like it.





I miss sunshine. But let's let go of things outta our control.







It's not only Vicky who's emo tonight. We all have our turn.
God in Heaven, we leave things in your hands.

swollen eyes

... which couldn't be fr lack o sleep, could it? Had a full 5+ hours o sleep, fr 2am to almost 8 this morn. Nor could it be fr crying, cuz the last time I cried was at Compassion Walk, which, though wasn't long ago, could not logically be the reason for swollen eyes.

Btw, reason for the late night being a baking session starting 9pm (after dinner, shopping for ingredients and rainy night traffic jam). We, the senior Taylor's interns/trainees (the 4 of us) at AC have got together to bake a red velvet for all at the office, as a sign of our appreciation before we leave.



Thinking o opening this blog to the public. Have been blogging here for, *checks blog archive*, 1.5 years now, and though the posts were mostly private, it's by no means a big secret.
But beware impulsive actions, sarah.




Leaving AC after today w no plans o coming back except to collect my paycheck, next time I work I'd wish to try another company.
Have been here since Dec (3+ mths), and am alil reluctant to part w the office and the colleagues here. We're far fr being bussom buddies, but somehow they've become something like coursemates, whom you don't "talk" w much but are just part o your life.

Won't go as far as crying when I leave, gosh I was even stoic enough during the last night of LnL, but it is sad knowing I won't be walking into office again starting tmr. There are the lunch buddies, who are for unknown reasons all guys and therefore the drinking buddies as well; pantry area gang, with whom I sat with during my first 3 weeks, and whom I owe much gratitute for being so nice to me; other end of office gang, with whom I sat with for the next 6 weeks, who don't talk much but whom I will still miss.

What does one say at the end of a short internship? Farewell, I'll see you around? Take everyone's pics and namecards and promise to keep in touch?
.... not if yall don't keep in touch even while working.
I don't have the numbers of the ppl whom I'm close to, and the ones whose numbers I have, I'm not close to. Happy state of things =.=

It's been a great experience to be actually working in an office. I know I've been complaining bout it since I started, but I'll definitely be interning again for my next sem break. Muchhh better than potato-ing at home.




I hate it when ppl say I look like a secretary. I dislike being called an innocent good girl.

Even though I love playing secretary and I am, in fact, not saintly but belong safely on the "uncorrupted" side (if the opposite being "partying, drinking, no curfews").


And then there's the sentimental business I'm trying very hard to quit. It's sweet and everything, but it's not the world wants, and for once I'm willing to change to fit in.




*random post today, writing while cad-ing + listening to "We are the world". Doesn't help concentration much.

It's Friday night again

... for once we didn't have our usual bout of depression as there's a farewell dinner for Matthew, a 6-mth intern at our office, who's leaving after today to cont his studies.
However we had to stay back to complete some work and by the time we got there the colleagues have already almost finished their (buffet) dinner, which goes to show how late we were..




I'm tired and a lil fed up w this grown-up, working life. I miss school.

Shucks, man

...... IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT.
Since internship, I run thru the same scene every Friday evening. To party or not to party?
Yall know I'm no party person. Being in crowds and being jolly takes alot outta me, but the feeling of going home straight after work on FRIDAY sucks. bad.

Some guys from office are going for a launch party (Seamasters paint) tonight, and we're all invited. My classmates/fellow-trainees aren't going and I know my colleagues're gnna leave there drunk late (therefore no chance of hitching a ride), so I declined.

Thought of going shopping, but no sales anywhere and  I've already been through the bookstore.
Thought of going somewhere for drinks, but didn't have no suitable company.
Frustrated much! Go home, eat, read, facebook, sleep. That's a WEEKDAY NIGHT, not for Fridays.





- 9.38pm
Went for Sushi King, drank green tea while Benson had dinner. Took the bus home, dinner, gonna type some stuff for mom, read, sleep.
GAHH.

Love and Life 11' followup camp tmr! At least that's something to look forward to =)

Randomly texting him was a bit of a slip/weakness on my part. I shall not do it again.

How much longer

Maybe that's not the question to ask. Only God knows how long it'd take and He's not sharing.
Was just watching How I Met Your Mother (got to season 2!), it took Marshall 67 days to mend his broken heart over a 9 year engagement. W/o going on a rebound for another girl. That's tv dramas for you!



I don't have a broken heart. Just trying to get used to not having someone around.
There goes~~ It's been like playing The Game, where the only rule is that you're not supposed to think about it. That's just it! There's no way you can stop yourself fr forming a thought.
The human mind is just amazing, and no science can convince me that thoughts are totally divine.



Baby step #2
Waking up fr a nightmare early this morn and not texting the first person I wanted to. In fact, I managed to keep myself away fr the phone to not text anyone at all =)
sarah is learning to take care o her own problems~~







Day 7.

baby step #1

Rereading old posts do you no good, sarah. Face it, accept it and get on w your life~



Had abit o girls talk w 姐姐 just now, were talking bout our (individual) big steps. Me as a single, and her as part of a couple.
There are just too many factors in love/like/crush. Romantic novels never got it right, there's just too many factors in our everyday lives for a happily ever after all the time! But happy relationships are that becuz ppl love each other and overcome every obstacle when it comes.


Guess if I can't cross this hurdle I'm not good enough for anything. Hence my further resolve for my bigger step.


Btw wnna know what my big step of the day is?
Watching How I Met Your Mother, which was given to me by sunshine quite some time ago, and NOT excitedly sharing my thoughts w him. In fact, I did not even click on his green icon.
Exactly what I said in my last post--- replacing a thought with another... w a twist. That is, when I wanted to talk to someone, instead I talked to another.



Control yourself girl. "Guard your heart above all else". Ganbateh.

balance brought forward

Me is not liking how this is turning out... not at all =(. And not just the fact I've not been in contact w my sunshine for one whole month (Happy CNY txt msges excluded).


“我想你”在msn上放了很久。想他也很久了。虽然总能想办法安慰自己，但我已经没理由了。
The smiles and giggles brought by a certain someone now seems like a distant memory.. and in a way it is.. Things fr 2011 should probably stay in 2011 =p.


Dear sarah,
Don't let yourself forget that 2012 is a whole new year, if in doubt, check out the 3 new diaries sitting on your shelf waiting to be written in. Prepare your self (or don't!) for new events, people who will come into your life, knowledge and many more obstacles to cross. Leave what needs to be left behind, let go and seize something better =).








ps Enough thinking, enough diary analysis, enough trying to figure things out. When you want to stop thinking about something, replace the thought with something else.




Nevertheless I will hope. So sue me.

a short post during lunch break

It's unacceptable that I've not blogged about work since I started.. It's my first internship yo! But anyway, here I am.. taking a teeny weeny break fr work to type a few lines. Technically I get one hour lunch break, but because Ars are workoholics, thus I rarely take full advantage of that. Except when we walk further than 2 blocks for lunch and take our sweet time w it.

Before I forget.. My first impression of the Ar office is that it's extremely cramped and stuffed full of papers (drawings). In my section of the office, there's about 20 workstations arranged back-to-back in an open planned space. There're stacks of drawings on every table top and a phone that rarely stops ringing.

5+ weeks down the line, this impression has not changed much, except that my own workstation now has drawings spread all over it too. And I didn't mind the crampiness. It adds to the charm and all that yadaa I guess.


In addition to my not-very-recent-but-relatively-so blog post in wordpress, titled 101 things I learnt in Ar office, I've also learnt that:
Architects are very visual people. They hardly ever write anything down, instead they prefer to communicate w many many drawings, which they print like no tomorrow. Unfortunately for me, I've picked up the habit (of printing), which will bring me to ruin when I return to school.

Communication is everything for an Ar. If any small thing goes awry in communications between the contractor, client, QS, Ir, Ar, authorities and whoever else involved, something could seriously go wrong and boss would really blow.

It's good to be original and creative, but trust this Ar intern, it's not everything in this line. At the end of the day, if you're good at all other areas and less so in the design department, chances are you can still survive. A relief for Ar.s sarah

Work stays at work. After 5 weeks, this is really drilled into me. Stay late and put in OT if you have to, but don't ever bring work home. It concerns your general well-being as well as your families' sanity.

Ars might not have a colourful social life, but for their own good, it's best to keep up some activities, eg gym, drinking w buddies, lectures.



Gonna start writing my self assessment soon, haven't got any fixed ideas bout what to write about. There's so much that I've learnt here, esp concerning the working world and what Ars actually do most of their time (pls don't be surprised that they do not spend majority of their time designing, instead they spend 5% of time designing and 95% making sure the design works out), but I'm not sure how much of it concerns my work specifically. Seems like all I'm doing is coincidently what I do best, which is to help others (meaning the colleagues) get their work done on time by any small way I can.

Sounds crazy, but I actually like "working". And I'd be returning to office after the CNY break to continue another 6 weeks of internship. Awesome huh?


That's it for now, TTFN, Ciao~